Are you an asshole? Do you want to stop being an asshole? Here are a few pointers from your Reverend T:
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1. STOP USING STATISTICS TO TRY AND WIN STUPID ARGUMENTS. Puking up numbers that rarely have context and can be easily skewed doesn’t tell any kind of credible story. If you know that something is true for you, tell me your story. I don’t care what Dr. Oz has to say about it.
2. MEN, STOP SAYING THE WORD PUSSY IN REFERENCE TO THE FEMININE (unless SHE has a thing for it). You just sound gross. And I know you *think* you sound cool when you say it in front of your buddies, but wouldn’t it sound way cooler to tell them that you actually found the clitoris??? And WOMEN, START SAYING THE WORD PUSSY IN REFERENCE TO THE FEMININE (or “Fun Tunnel” or “Axe Wound”, etc.). Your vagina just wants you to stop crying and give it a high five every once in a while.
3. STOP LITTERING. Seriously. WHAT?! ARE YOU NINE?
4. STOP SAYING THAT SOMEONE IS “PLAYING THE RACE CARD” whenever they complain of being treated unfairly due to their ethnicity. I know we hate facing the fact that racism is real but it is and the best people that can attest to this are ethnic minorities. Stop taking it as a personal attack against the majority and just LISTEN.
5. MINORITIES, STOP PLAYING THE RACE CARD in insignificant situations. You’re making it hard for the white people to trust us.
6. STOP BLAMING EVERYTHING ON PRESIDENT OBAMA. Sure, he’s an easy target, but he’s not the only reason that everything sucks. I don’t care how well spoken, black, or sexy he is. Barack Obama is the president and the president is always going to suck because he is the president. Sherman Alexie said it best: “…I know every president, no matter how great on the surface, owned a heart chewed by rats.” Let us consider the rats…
7. STOP TAKING ADVANTAGE OF SALESPEOPLE. They aren’t being paid enough to be your tantrum pillow and aren’t responsible for your incompetence. In a hurry? Get there earlier. Don’t have your receipt? Stop throwing away your receipts. Product out of stock? Well, shit happens. Don’t get me wrong, I have come across plenty of asshole clerks too, but the reasonable person would be able to distinguish between when someone is doing their best to help them verses waging a personal vendetta. Unfortunately, many people are about as reasonable as your yoga instructor’s bitey toddler and should probably just be strapped to a monkey backpack leash and left to exhaust themselves.
8. STOP BEING “FAT” and just be a person. If you’re fat and unhealthy, get healthy. If you fat and healthy, high five! If you’re skinny and unhealthy and think you’re “fat”, I’ll have all my fat friends lay into your little skeleton face and your bones will soon be wishing you were fat. Skinny and healthy? High five!
9. STOP DIETING AND JUST EAT REAL FOOD. There isn’t one way of eating that is right for everyone except that what you’re eating should be edible. If you were raised on meat, eat some meat (but maybe try hunting/raising your own?). Raised on veggie stir fries? Eat yourself some veggie stir fries (especially if you grew it yourself)! But if you’re about to eat something with “Chick’n” on the label and it in any way claims to be good for you, IT ISN’T GOOD FOR YOU. Food doesn’t talk, money does.
10. STOP TELLING WOMEN THEY DON’T NEED MAKEUP BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY BEAUTIFUL. We know. It’s none of your business what women (or men) put on their face and not your place to decide who does or who doesn’t need to wear anything. And if you really want women to stop paying so much attention to their appearance, STOP POINTING OUT THINGS ABOUT THEIR APPEARANCE.
Are we feeling less like an asshole now? Yeah? High five!!!
P.S. I could have easily added more to this list, and maybe I will. Look forward to part 2, and try not to be too much of a douche until then. Kesses.